I studied in college to be a marriage and family therapist. I even counseled people for a grade my senior year. But I panicked and didn't pursue that career path. I didn't feel adequate enough to help others. I also think, deep down, I thought "therapy" was a crock. I thought it was for weak people who didn't have the wherewithall to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and face life head on. I have always been someone who prides myself on walking directly through a problem...not around it. I decided that therapy was for teaching basic life skills to people who had none.
I've changed my mind.
Real life changed my mind.
Real problems changed my mind.
I saw a new therapist yesterday. The one I've been seeing for 6 weeks moved. I really didn't want to go. The previous therapist was around my age, had the same number of children, and reminded me a lot of me. I "got" her. She "got" me.
This new therapist is a man. He's a member of the bishopbric in his ward at church. He is very quiet. I felt dumb telling him my problems. He just sat there for the better part of 30 minutes staring at me while I cried and confessed and told him my problems.
Then he pulls out a sheet of paper. The sheet of paper that I scanned in at the beginning of this post. He points it out and tells me "no one can hold onto the negative experiences and emotions you've held onto for so long without popping in one way or another...it was just a matter of how and when you would pop!" He went on to explain that there is a set cycle for people who are experiencing negative emotions. If you don't have the coping skills to handle them correctly you try to escape them.
This was one of those "a-ha!" moments for me. It was such a relief to see that my behavior and patterns were "normal" in a loose sense of the term. I really felt in some ways like I was some kind of freak of nature. Like, what I did and how I coped were crazy.
One way I've coped is through eating. People who don't use eating as a comfort or escape can't really understand why eating sugary crap makes you feel better. But... it does, for a little while. Then you feel worse and the sick cycle starts all over again. I don't even want to say how much weight I have gained in my marriage, but if you look at my wedding photos and look at me now, you will see a shocking difference. I've noticed since my husband left that I no longer have an appetite and I'm losing weight fast. I love exercising and I have enough respect for myself to use some discipline.
There are other ways listed on the chart above that I used as coping strategies, but I don't want to talk about them here. I will say though, that it gave me a high, a feeling of release and relief, a feeling of connectedness...I felt powerful and adequate and accepted...for the first time is a LONG time. It felt wonderful. I felt cared for in a real way that I never have before. I hope someday to feel that for real, long-term. Is that even possible? Man, I hope so.
Lastly, one thing I didn't realize is that the stress of my marriage affected my health in major ways. I had constant migraines. I was always feeling exhausted and weak and listless. I used sleep to escape from fights and stress. It got to a point that I couldn't really make any move or do anything that didn't have negative consequences with my husband. So I just froze and stopped functioning. I have always noticed through the years that when he would leave on business trips or would be working late that I had this sense of relief... of freedom... a surge of renewed energy. I never understood it... until now.
Therapy is helping me. My "assignment" for the week is to figure out what 5 negative emotions come up most for me. (He gave me a list of about 30 negative emotions to choose from, oh fun!) Then we are going to talk about those emotions and how I can develop healthy and appropriate coping strategies for dealing with them instead of feeling powerless and trying to escape from them.
I can see my husband's negative cycle in the chart above too. I don't really have hope for he and I working things out between the two of us... but for his sake, and for the future of our children and our co-parenting of them, I hope that he will seek out the help that he needs too.
Hope! It's what's for dinner. So glad it's back on my plate!
