Rage is by definition abuse.
Ragers react to strong emotion with rage (i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss all convert to rage.)
Raging gives the person a feeling of power...offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Rage sets up a neurochemical reaction in the brain that can be addictive.
I remember being literally near death. My husband's mother had just left our home after helping us for a week. Not long after this I would be admitted to the hospital for 3 months on a feeding line. Emergency surgery would follow.
I was weak. In excruciating pain. I had 2 very small children I was powerless to care for. I could do little more than wake periodically from narcotic-induced sleep to take my next round of prescription meds. I was terrified. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I might die. It sounds a bit dramatic, but the emotions were real.
My husband began raging.
It makes sense now as I do research. Obviously he was converting feelings of powerlessness, fear, inadequacy and sadness into rage. I guess the rage gave him a feeling of power in a situation where he had none.
He began screaming at me. Berating me. Insulting me. He told me to "stop doing this to him!" He insinuated that I was faking, I was doing this all for attention, to make his life miserable. He told me if I would "just eat!" everything would be fine and that I was deliberately trying to not get better by not eating. (I had not been able to keep food or drink down for weeks. I had lost 36 pounds. If I chewed a piece a gum, I would throw up the mint flavored saliva...)
All I could do was call for help. I called my mother. I called his mother. They both talked to him. Calmed him down. Soon after things returned to normal and he began helping me again.
I witnessed this raging over and over and OVER again throughout my marriage. He did it again in the hospital right before an emergency surgery I was terrifed of...a surgery that would take away any chance of having a biological baby...forever.
Those are big examples. Sometimes it could happen out of the blue over something small. After grocery shopping one day I asked him out in the car, "Why did you say that to the cashier, that embarassed me!" I have no clue what it was he said...all I remember is that he exploded in a terrifying, red-faced, never-ending rage. I was called every name in the book...the one I remember most was a "dirty filthy whore". It broke my heart. It still hurts to think about it, ten years later.
It could happen over anything really. Once it was over Christmas cookies, once over a tv show I asked a question about, once it was over not bringing my bathing suit, once it was over him forgetting to pay a bill while on vacation... the list goes on and on. I can't even remember them all. All I would do is ask him about it and the same red-faced, terrifying, gas-on-a-flame, name-calling, sometimes violent episode would follow.
More often than not, I wouldn't even KNOW what the rage was about. If I asked what was wrong I would get a lot of "don't play that game with me! you know exactly what I'm angry about!" I never did. I still don't.
Ever hear of "learned helplessness?" If you keep shocking an animal over and over and over again to the point that they perceive they can't help themselves they just lay down and take it. It's a true psychological phenomena. I learned about it in college. I experienced it in real life.
Now. Finally. I feel hope again. Slowly, but surely, hope is returning.
I'm SO grateful for that.
